Something to Think About
by SweetBrownie
Summary: Gordon has been quiet for such a long time. When Alyx offers to talk, Gordon gets touched more than he can understand at first. One-shot.


Words contains a power like nothing else. It can rally people in the matter of seconds, make an emperor quiver in fear or make everything turn on its side. One word, and the story can turn on a dime and crash down another path. Think of the endless possibilities. Think of what you can save or destroy, claim for yourself or give to others. The world's horizon is endless in that prospect.

This is what fills the mind of a certain man; a man who doesn't say a word to anyone, but whose name can mean the change of everything. If he gets a moment of peace, he always come to ponder of this. And every train of thought that begins like this always ends with one question. How is it so? How is it that HE, of all people, have come into this position?

He is never able to give an answer. How long and how hard he tries, he never can give an answer. And that puzzles him to no end.

* * *

"It's Gordon!"

"Gordon Freeman!"

"Alas, the Freeman."

The words swirls around in his head like bees in a beehive. The voices always comes rushing back as he tries to calm down, as if his own mind has been used to be stressed and don't want to let go of the feeling. And to some extent, it works. His stress level fails to go down completely, and often makes him furrow his brow.

He doesn't need this. He needs to be calm at least sometimes to function. But he always fails on that note, and is still able to do what he must. That is only because he force himself to do so, but how long will he be able to? He is already worned out.

"Gordon?"

The voice, a voice not in his head this time, calls him back into the real world outside his mind. Gordon opens his eyes and is greeted by the sight of Alyx. She looks at him curiously, smiling warmly. She is standing in front of him, as he is sitting down in an old, discolored sofa.

"What are you doing?" she asks with a chuckle.

Gordon looks around, studying the room they are in. And for an instant, he doesn't know where he is. But after one second he remembers, and wonders how he ever could forget.

The white forest, the big resistant's base with its silos, warheads and big living-space. He has been living here now for a few days, after he arrived here for the first time. The room they are in is one of the many small recreation rooms that are scattered around in the building. There is a small table, a sofa, a shelf with some books and screens covering one wall with a big control panel underneath taking up most of the space. Everything seems to be old and well used.

He looks quickly back at Alyx, getting an questioning look in his face. _What are you talking about?_ he seems to ask, but not saying it out loud. Alyx knows very well that Gordon never talks.

"You seemed to think on something." Her smile grows smaller and worry breaks thru in her face. "Something troubling you?"

Gordon shakes his head no, some irritation sipping into his face. He doesn't need her concern either, as she should know he can take care of himself. But she gets even more worried, and what little of her smile that was left disappears.

"You know you can talk to me, right?"

Gordon observes Alyx, trying to figure out what she is thinking about. They has become close friends these last weeks, even when nothing have passed his lips but groans, gasps or small yells when being hurt. No words, the only communication he uses is sign language, body language or different faces. He stopped speaking back when he experienced the resonance cascade. Why would he begin now?

"Just thought that…" she begins, looking down for a second. Gordon believes he could see sadness in her eyes for a split second before she looked away from him. She furrows her brow, seemingly having a hard time to find the words, before looking up again. When she does, she smiles cheerfully towards him. "I thought you should know that I'm here. If you ever change your mind."

With that, she turns and walks away. Gordon follows her with his eyes until she disappears from the room. His face is empty, not knowing what to think. He looks down on his hands, they shows small scars here and there. They are surely covering most of his arms as well, and traces of old bullet wounds can be found on his chest area. Many wounds has come and gone on his body, but there is one that has never disappeared.

Back at the Black Mesa, at the time of the cascade, he was horrofied of what he saw. Strange, alien things coming out of thin air, smashing people to pieces both left and right. His friends killed in front of his eyes, when he hid, ran or protected himself. To see the blood covering the walls, realizing how frail life was… it crushed him. Ever since, he has a hard time to find his calm. The only thing he has felt was stress of all the attention he has been given and regret for not have been able to stop anything all those years ago. For the rest of the feelings, they have been dead cold since everything went down.

Looking up again towards Alyx's exit, the only thing he sees is blurry colors. Something wet rolls down his cheeks. He raises one hand to his one eye and wipes some of the wet away with his index finger. He discovers it to be tears. He haven't cried since the cascade. The feeling of peace washes over him, and before he can register what his body does, he is up and running after Alyx.

It is time to speak.


End file.
